Love. The beauty….and the beast.

Love. The beauty… and the beast.

Love is a temporary insanity. If you’ve ever been in love, you’ll agree. You’ll do anything at any time for that person (the beauty). You’ll give them your everything and expect nothing in return. But what if you’re everything… isn’t enough?

Have you ever given someone all of you? I mean literally given someone your everything, only to find out that it isn’t enough? Inadequacy… (the beast) is quite possibly the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced.

If you know me you know I’m not a very open or emotional person. For over 3 years I opened up completely to one person. I literally gave him everything… only to find out that it wasn’t enough.

Crushing.

I’ve never been so broken down in my life. I’m doing the only thing I can possibly do in this situation. Learning.

One of the things I’ve learned… You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don’t trust enough. – Frank Crane

Trust is the key element in any relationship. If there’s no trust, there’s nothing. Trust shouldn’t be handed out. Trust should be earned… especially if it’s been broken before. Recognize that inevitably trust will be broken at some point in time. If and when it happens, that’s when you have to decide if you’re strong enough to forgive the person and move forward. If you anticipate it being broken from the beginning you won’t be able to enjoy all the time you have together. Also if you dwell on it being broken, you will never move on from that point.

I’ve been on both ends of that deal. I’ve held back and questioned every aspect of the relationship with no reason and then when it ended, I wasn’t surprised or hurt. I’ve also put all my trust in someone only to be disappointed and hurt more than I’d ever thought possible. I wouldn’t change it for the world. I mean, in all honesty, who wants to go through life without experiencing love? Fully experiencing it. The ups, the downs, the in-betweens… the giving your everything and being rewarded with the same unconditional love or the giving your everything and being rejected. As awful as it sounds it’s an experience that is very much appreciated. I have days that I struggle, but if I never experienced being hurt… I would never know how beautiful it is on the other side.

This last year I’ve experienced the highs and lows of love and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I gave my everything to him and it wasn’t enough. The thing is… I accept it. I’ve forgiven, forgotten and now it’s time for me to stand on my own two feet and know that I am enough. I may not be what was “enough” for him, but I am enough.

The beauty lies simply in experiencing it. It’s such a beautiful thing. You’re stripped to nothing, yet you have everything. You experience the unconditional love and the always open arms. No matter if it’s what you expected or not, you live… you love… you learn. The beast comes mostly from losing it. Hitting bottom, feeling inadequate, losing faith in yourself and not knowing if you can make it through the day.

You can’t have the beauty and fully appreciate it without experiencing the beast at some point. All of these feelings make love what it is. And what it is… is everything.

Once again!

A wall could never stop my love for you, even if I tell my heart it isn’t true

I tell my heart that, because of all the pain that You give to me, it’s making me insane.

It’s so strong, and pure. It’s like an addiction, but there’s only one cure, for you to return my feelings I feel for you.

It’s true and real I want to be the one and only for you.

But you can’t return them, and it hurts so much. For my only wish, For a life time I wanna feel your touch.

To be there, when I’m hurt or crying. To be there wheater I’m healthy or dying.

And now I’m trembling, can’t you see? I only wanted to know what your need truely is of me.

And once again I said I love you. And again you hurt me once more.

I said everything to you, my feelings so real. But when you turned me down, for a moment I couldn’t feel.

I still care, with all my heart. I wish that we weren’t torn apart.

But you don’t feel the way I do, You know that fact is exactly true.

To tell the truth, you have no clue,

…….why I fell in love with you!

Vegas trip from hell!

One would think that going on a Vegas trip means FUN FUN FUN! Not the case for me. My first trip to Vegas was a nightmare! My first trip to Vegas was a business trip but I thought for sure I was going to enjoy the city that never sleeps!

The first day was a bad sign of a trip going straight to shit! I missed my flight out of my hometown. I was scheduled to leave at 6:05AM on Thursday and I should have made it into Vegas at 1010AM Thursday. Didn’t happen exactly as planned.

6:05AM flight out of FSM missed and was put on standby.
10:10AM flight out of FSM was full and was put on standby on another flight.
1:10PM flight out of FSM…MADE IT!! WOOHOO. Next destination was DFW airport.
2:00PM arrive at DFW. Next flight to Vegas 3:50PM but according to screen, I’m #23 of 26 Standby’s…UGH!!!
3:50PM next flight out to Vegas. Didn’t make it. Now I’m #17. MOVING ON UP! HA!! Whatever!
3:55PM arrive at TGIF’s to drink heavily with fellow standby’s. Make new friends, exchange #’s to try and hook up later in the city that never sleeps known as Vegas. (remember that)
5:15PM next flight out to Vegas. Didn’t make it. I’m now #13
5:20PM back to TGIF’s to get more drinks. Meet 2 more new friends.
6:50PM next flight out to Vegas. NOPE….didn’t make it. I’m now #7. I’m so gonna make the next one. Me and my new friends all decided that we all were going to make the next flight and we were going to have the best time on that flight. It was like we all were 4-7 with one that had a for sure ticket on the next flight. We all head to TGIF’s (a different one since we are now on the other end of the airport) for more adult beverages. I can tell you I am not officially tipsey! 7 Beers and I’m feeling pretty good. It all becomes very entertaining to me on the fact that I’ve been on this little crazy adventure and I haven’t even made it to Vegas. WOOHOO GO ME!!!!
9:05PM next flight out to Vegas. Fingers are crossed! All 5 of us in a group thinking we are all gonna make this flight. Mind you I’m #7. It’s gonna happen, I just know it!……………..DAMN! Now I’m #1 on the list for the next flight! So what does that mean…..back to TGIF’s for more drinks but alone this go around. My new friends are gone. My new friend, Covington, did offer to give me his seat because he was #6 but I told him no. It’s cool. WTF was I thinking! GEEZ.
10:45PM next flight out to Fabulous Vegas. I walk up to only see that I have been bumped from #1 to #3?!?!? WTF. I walk up to the lady and I asked, very nicely and drunk like, How is it that when I walked away 30mins. ago I was #1 to only return to #3? Well I have learned that if someone comes in with something called Advantage Flyer something or other then they get the first seats available on standby. DAMN! I was nice though. It’s cool. I got myself in this mess right. I take my booty over to take a seat until they start boarding the plane. I meet two new friends, Dave and Ralph, i think. HA! We chat it up and once again I have a support team. YAY for support teams. They start boarding and I’m crossing my fingers and so are my new friends. They start to board and it looks as if I’m going to be spending the night in the DFW airport. But the last minute I hear my name called over the intercom and I’m IN! HOLY SHIT MAN! I’M going to Vegas finally!! I finally arrive to my room in Vegas at around 230AM Friday morning to only have to wake up at 5AM to go to work.

The only thing I got to on my trip to Vegas besides working was to walk around all by myself drinking beer all by myself. How boring is that. My new friends did call and text me to come out and have some fun but since I had to get up AGAIN at 4AM on Saturday to catch a flight out, I opted not to. I didn’t want to end up out all night long and not make it to the hotel to catch my flight and go through the whole thing again! I hate it when i’m all responsible and grown up! GEEZ!

I don’t have very many photos. I have one of me in front of my hotel window lookin’ not so hot due to the lack of sleep, photos of my room, photos of our booth at the show and one photo of the water thingy at the Bellagio (or however you spell it). I was too busy drinking my beer as I walked down the strip to take pics. I couldn’t get over the fact that I could walk down the street drinking adult beverages. I thought I was sooo cool. You can see the sad sad pics here. Not much excitment I promise! Pretty pathetic!