Love. The beauty….and the beast.

Love. The beauty… and the beast.

Love is a temporary insanity. If you’ve ever been in love, you’ll agree. You’ll do anything at any time for that person (the beauty). You’ll give them your everything and expect nothing in return. But what if you’re everything… isn’t enough?

Have you ever given someone all of you? I mean literally given someone your everything, only to find out that it isn’t enough? Inadequacy… (the beast) is quite possibly the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced.

If you know me you know I’m not a very open or emotional person. For over 3 years I opened up completely to one person. I literally gave him everything… only to find out that it wasn’t enough.

Crushing.

I’ve never been so broken down in my life. I’m doing the only thing I can possibly do in this situation. Learning.

One of the things I’ve learned… You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don’t trust enough. – Frank Crane

Trust is the key element in any relationship. If there’s no trust, there’s nothing. Trust shouldn’t be handed out. Trust should be earned… especially if it’s been broken before. Recognize that inevitably trust will be broken at some point in time. If and when it happens, that’s when you have to decide if you’re strong enough to forgive the person and move forward. If you anticipate it being broken from the beginning you won’t be able to enjoy all the time you have together. Also if you dwell on it being broken, you will never move on from that point.

I’ve been on both ends of that deal. I’ve held back and questioned every aspect of the relationship with no reason and then when it ended, I wasn’t surprised or hurt. I’ve also put all my trust in someone only to be disappointed and hurt more than I’d ever thought possible. I wouldn’t change it for the world. I mean, in all honesty, who wants to go through life without experiencing love? Fully experiencing it. The ups, the downs, the in-betweens… the giving your everything and being rewarded with the same unconditional love or the giving your everything and being rejected. As awful as it sounds it’s an experience that is very much appreciated. I have days that I struggle, but if I never experienced being hurt… I would never know how beautiful it is on the other side.

This last year I’ve experienced the highs and lows of love and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I gave my everything to him and it wasn’t enough. The thing is… I accept it. I’ve forgiven, forgotten and now it’s time for me to stand on my own two feet and know that I am enough. I may not be what was “enough” for him, but I am enough.

The beauty lies simply in experiencing it. It’s such a beautiful thing. You’re stripped to nothing, yet you have everything. You experience the unconditional love and the always open arms. No matter if it’s what you expected or not, you live… you love… you learn. The beast comes mostly from losing it. Hitting bottom, feeling inadequate, losing faith in yourself and not knowing if you can make it through the day.

You can’t have the beauty and fully appreciate it without experiencing the beast at some point. All of these feelings make love what it is. And what it is… is everything.

Once again!

Today started ok. I get up get ready and off to drop the kids to school and me off to work. I get work and open up my yahoo account to find an email from HTSNBM telling me that a remark I made was “Fucked Up!” He said that my comment on that I was still in love with him but that he didn’t deserve my love, was FUCKED UP! Well, it’s true. Why should he deserve my love! The FUCKED UP deal is that all that he has put me through for over a year now, I still love him. I responded back saying that what that meant was that my love for him was different than the love he has for me so why put any more effort or love into him when he doesn’t feel the same. And his response back to me was “Sorry I took it the wrong way. I love and miss you!” WTF. Now that is fucked up! But that is what he is good at. He doesn’t give explanation. He doesn’t say how he feels. I don’t know how he feels. He won’t talk to me about anything. He just leaves it wide open everytime. That’s why I feel I can’t have closure on the whole thing.

Months ago when this all started going down hill I wrote something to him. It was just my feelinds that I had at that time. I thought it was pretty good. And the only response I got from him was, I got your email. That’s it. NOTHING! ZIP! Zilch! Below is what I wrote to him:

Where do you go
When there’s no where to go
But to walk away
What do you say
When everything’s been said
But still no answer
What lies ahead
When it all lies behind
But only the memories
Whether it was Chance
Or that thing called Fate
That brought you to me
I really can’t say
But it really doesn’t matter
For I had the opportunity to hold you
Not just in my arms
But also in my heart
But now in your eyes I can see
Your need for me is different
From my need for you
And the way I hold you
Is different from
The way you hold me
For while I come to you as a lover
You are reaching for a friend
And this difference
Only causes pain
So when you decide to reach for me
And you find I’m not there
Please realize
My love for you will not leave you
You are in my heart
and my soul
Know that I cherish you
I always will
If you can just turn
And walk away
And feel there’s nothing more
You need to say
If you can so easily
Forget about me
Then I guess there’s really no reason
For me to stay

Now I must have the strength
To wipe the tears from my eyes
And whisper to the man I love -
‘good-bye’

But yet I still haven’t said good-bye and truely meant it. It’s time to truely mean it but it’s so hard to put those words into action. I do at times want to be friends with him. He is a great guy in so many different aspects. BUT I also don’t want to hear about who is going out with and what he is doing with them so that really leaves us with nothing to talk about. It’s not like I can talk aobut who I am going out with, or what we did, or what we talked about. I don’t think it would bother him so much if I did but it would bother me that it didn’t bother him. If that makes any sense.

Well I’m off to bed. Goodnight!

Let’s try this again.

OK…so I had two other blogs up before this one and chose to delete them.  Not a good start on my blogging.  Anyway.  Thanks for those who left comments.  They helped me realize that I’M PATHETIC!  LOL.  Anyway.  Thanks seriously.  Only said what I’ve been thinking but actually putting those words into action is very hard but I am a work in progress that is for sure.

 Speaking of….I have decided I need a hobby.  Something to preoccupy my time.  Any suggestions from you fellow bloggers?!?!?

Until the next post, which could be today because I have thoughts I need to get out  - PEACE for now!