Love. The beauty… and the beast.

Love is a temporary insanity. If you’ve ever been in love, you’ll agree. You’ll do anything at any time for that person (the beauty). You’ll give them your everything and expect nothing in return. But what if you’re everything… isn’t enough?

Have you ever given someone all of you? I mean literally given someone your everything, only to find out that it isn’t enough? Inadequacy… (the beast) is quite possibly the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced.

If you know me you know I’m not a very open or emotional person. For over 3 years I opened up completely to one person. I literally gave him everything… only to find out that it wasn’t enough.

Crushing.

I’ve never been so broken down in my life. I’m doing the only thing I can possibly do in this situation. Learning.

One of the things I’ve learned… You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don’t trust enough. – Frank Crane

Trust is the key element in any relationship. If there’s no trust, there’s nothing. Trust shouldn’t be handed out. Trust should be earned… especially if it’s been broken before. Recognize that inevitably trust will be broken at some point in time. If and when it happens, that’s when you have to decide if you’re strong enough to forgive the person and move forward. If you anticipate it being broken from the beginning you won’t be able to enjoy all the time you have together. Also if you dwell on it being broken, you will never move on from that point.

I’ve been on both ends of that deal. I’ve held back and questioned every aspect of the relationship with no reason and then when it ended, I wasn’t surprised or hurt. I’ve also put all my trust in someone only to be disappointed and hurt more than I’d ever thought possible. I wouldn’t change it for the world. I mean, in all honesty, who wants to go through life without experiencing love? Fully experiencing it. The ups, the downs, the in-betweens… the giving your everything and being rewarded with the same unconditional love or the giving your everything and being rejected. As awful as it sounds it’s an experience that is very much appreciated. I have days that I struggle, but if I never experienced being hurt… I would never know how beautiful it is on the other side.

This last year I’ve experienced the highs and lows of love and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I gave my everything to him and it wasn’t enough. The thing is… I accept it. I’ve forgiven, forgotten and now it’s time for me to stand on my own two feet and know that I am enough. I may not be what was “enough” for him, but I am enough.

The beauty lies simply in experiencing it. It’s such a beautiful thing. You’re stripped to nothing, yet you have everything. You experience the unconditional love and the always open arms. No matter if it’s what you expected or not, you live… you love… you learn. The beast comes mostly from losing it. Hitting bottom, feeling inadequate, losing faith in yourself and not knowing if you can make it through the day.

You can’t have the beauty and fully appreciate it without experiencing the beast at some point. All of these feelings make love what it is. And what it is… is everything.

A wall could never stop my love for you, even if I tell my heart it isn’t true

I tell my heart that, because of all the pain that You give to me, it’s making me insane.

…….why I fell in love with you!

One would think that going on a Vegas trip means FUN FUN FUN! Not the case for me. My first trip to Vegas was a nightmare! My first trip to Vegas was a business trip but I thought for sure I was going to enjoy the city that never sleeps!

The first day was a bad sign of a trip going straight to shit! I missed my flight out of my hometown. I was scheduled to leave at 6:05AM on Thursday and I should have made it into Vegas at 1010AM Thursday. Didn’t happen exactly as planned.

6:05AM flight out of FSM missed and was put on standby.
10:10AM flight out of FSM was full and was put on standby on another flight.
1:10PM flight out of FSM…MADE IT!! WOOHOO. Next destination was DFW airport.
2:00PM arrive at DFW. Next flight to Vegas 3:50PM but according to screen, I’m #23 of 26 Standby’s…UGH!!!
3:50PM next flight out to Vegas. Didn’t make it. Now I’m #17. MOVING ON UP! HA!! Whatever!
3:55PM arrive at TGIF’s to drink heavily with fellow standby’s. Make new friends, exchange #’s to try and hook up later in the city that never sleeps known as Vegas. (remember that)
5:15PM next flight out to Vegas. Didn’t make it. I’m now #13
5:20PM back to TGIF’s to get more drinks. Meet 2 more new friends.
6:50PM next flight out to Vegas. NOPE….didn’t make it. I’m now #7. I’m so gonna make the next one. Me and my new friends all decided that we all were going to make the next flight and we were going to have the best time on that flight. It was like we all were 4-7 with one that had a for sure ticket on the next flight. We all head to TGIF’s (a different one since we are now on the other end of the airport) for more adult beverages. I can tell you I am not officially tipsey! 7 Beers and I’m feeling pretty good. It all becomes very entertaining to me on the fact that I’ve been on this little crazy adventure and I haven’t even made it to Vegas. WOOHOO GO ME!!!!
9:05PM next flight out to Vegas. Fingers are crossed! All 5 of us in a group thinking we are all gonna make this flight. Mind you I’m #7. It’s gonna happen, I just know it!……………..DAMN! Now I’m #1 on the list for the next flight! So what does that mean…..back to TGIF’s for more drinks but alone this go around. My new friends are gone. My new friend, Covington, did offer to give me his seat because he was #6 but I told him no. It’s cool. WTF was I thinking! GEEZ.
10:45PM next flight out to Fabulous Vegas. I walk up to only see that I have been bumped from #1 to #3?!?!? WTF. I walk up to the lady and I asked, very nicely and drunk like, How is it that when I walked away 30mins. ago I was #1 to only return to #3? Well I have learned that if someone comes in with something called Advantage Flyer something or other then they get the first seats available on standby. DAMN! I was nice though. It’s cool. I got myself in this mess right. I take my booty over to take a seat until they start boarding the plane. I meet two new friends, Dave and Ralph, i think. HA! We chat it up and once again I have a support team. YAY for support teams. They start boarding and I’m crossing my fingers and so are my new friends. They start to board and it looks as if I’m going to be spending the night in the DFW airport. But the last minute I hear my name called over the intercom and I’m IN! HOLY SHIT MAN! I’M going to Vegas finally!! I finally arrive to my room in Vegas at around 230AM Friday morning to only have to wake up at 5AM to go to work.

The only thing I got to on my trip to Vegas besides working was to walk around all by myself drinking beer all by myself. How boring is that. My new friends did call and text me to come out and have some fun but since I had to get up AGAIN at 4AM on Saturday to catch a flight out, I opted not to. I didn’t want to end up out all night long and not make it to the hotel to catch my flight and go through the whole thing again! I hate it when i’m all responsible and grown up! GEEZ!

I don’t have very many photos. I have one of me in front of my hotel window lookin’ not so hot due to the lack of sleep, photos of my room, photos of our booth at the show and one photo of the water thingy at the Bellagio (or however you spell it). I was too busy drinking my beer as I walked down the strip to take pics. I couldn’t get over the fact that I could walk down the street drinking adult beverages. I thought I was sooo cool. You can see the sad sad pics here. Not much excitment I promise! Pretty pathetic!

So the two weeks for my brother has come and gone so fast! It seems he just got here. I only got to hang out with him twice really but we had some good times. He leaves at 6AM tomorrow. I wanted to go see him tonight but then again I didn’t. I wanted to talk to him on the phone but I didn’t. I suck at goodbyes. I don’t handle them well so I try to avoid it most of the times. I know that’s not the best way to do things but it’s the only way I deal with things sometimes and that’s to avoid it all together. I’m gonna miss him lots! Can’t wait till October for him to be home for good.

Love you Michael! Gonna miss you lots! See you in October!

Pictures out with my brother!

Good times in Dallas, aka Big D! The drive was long but still we had a blast. I did get my pic with Gwen Stefani’s Harajuku girls! WOOHOO!! I am the coolest!!

Our hotel room was awesome, except for Sunday morning when I awoke to a stain on a pillow! OMG! Reminds me of my long lost Seester’s blog A Trip to the Big Easy HOLY COW! All I know is this big round ball pillow was on my bed and when my friend Kelly woke up it was on the floor and she saw this stain that looked like it was semen! EWWW!!! AND there were blood stains on her sheets! I mean heck. When you are coming in late at night, drunk, and tired you don’t really pay much attention. So when we woke up to our surprise….GROSS! My friend Kelly called downstairs and complained and we get $50 knocked off our bill!

Here are some pics from the Gwen concert. I hope this works for people to see my pics. Also, notice that I have added a page to my blog page called “Gallery” right under my About page. This has a link to my Gallery Album. Right now I only have the pics from the concert but check it often, everyday, to see what I have added from time to time and feel free to leave comments. I love comments! Let me know if you guys have any problems at all viewing my photos.

And for those that are curious. Yes, “He-that-shall-not-be-mentioned” has returned home. Yes, I have seen him. He stopped by on Saturday morning as he was driving in. I wasn’t expecting him at all. He hung out until I had to leave to get my girls off to the zoo and for me to get finished packing for my Dallas trip. It was kinda strange to see him. I was excited in a way but also a little set back and nervous at the same time. He also took me to eat lunch on Monday and to buy me some cool ass lamps for my house. Right now, I am fine with things. I’m not getting all wrapped up in the emotions at this point. I’m not saying that I want to be his best bud and hear about his dates or new girlfriend(s). I doubt I ever will be able to be that kind of friend with him. But for the time being I am fine with things. BUT there is a very very big chance that you guys will one day see a blog where I am upset once again, but this will be my own fault. I’m hoping to be strong though. I CAN DO THIS!

I know I’ve been MIA for a bit! Been crazy busy around here. Seems as if I am just always on the go. But I have taken 1/2 day off tomorrow and all day off on Monday. WOOHOO! What to do with myself.

My brother is home from Iraq. He’s only here for 2 weeks but still, it’s so good to see him and have him finally! I just hope that we can spend some time with him while he is here. I know he has lots of people that are wanting to see him, between his kids, mom, dad, me, friends, etc. I think we might be running him a bit thin on time for even himself. He needs to have time to himself too but I just can’t help but be a bit selfish at times, I guess.

I won’t get to spend time with him this weekend because I bought tickets to a concert months ago that just happens to be while he is here. I get to drive to Dallas to see Gwen Stefani! I’M SO EXCITED! Except for the fact that I am soooo broke and really can’t afford this but heck, I bought the darn tickets back in February. I should have saved for this. OH WELL!!! I’m gonna have a blast! I will post pics I am sure.

And another note. He that shall not be mentioned is coming home this weekend. Thank goodness that I’m going to be out of town. PHEW!!! But then we have next week when I will be home. I’m sure I will see him which this I am so nervous about. I have been really good lately. I haven’t been mopping (sp?) around the house because of him, due to my “Right now plan” but he has been far away. Once I see his face, that’s gonna be the true test. I have faith that I will do fine but friends seem to think differently and they seem to know me pretty darn well. I will keep you guys posted on that one.

So I have a couple of pics I want to share with you guys.

This is pic of me and my friend enjoying a couple of drinks. MMMMM….adult beverages are soooo good to consume.

This here is a cover of a local magazine here in my little home town. I’ve blocked out the title or any other things on this cover to save some peoples pride. BUT can you guys see what is wrong in this pic? The kicker is “Partners in Education” and they obviously don’t know how to do math all that well. Made me almost tinkle in my big girl panties. HA HA

toxic bachelor (TAWKS.ik bach.uh.lur) n. An unmarried man who is selfish, insensitive, and afraid of commitment.

Maybe I’m just behind on this new “phrase” I found today but it made me think of someone I know. HMMMM……Things that make you go hmmm hmmm hmmm! ENJOY!

Happy B-day APRILFOOLNYC! Hope you had a wonderful birthday!

I’ve been MIA so I have lots to write but I’m too tired. Long week to only run into a long weekend. GEEZ! I need a break and I don’t mean a Kit Kat Bar either.

Goodnight!

Today is my daughters Birthday. She is turning 6! HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEAUTIFUL! We had her party this last weekend at Chuck E. Cheese. For those that don’t know about Chuck E. Cheese. It’s a place where you go to go broke, especially when you have a birthday party. You have pizza, games, and then a real live dance with Chuck himself! What a treat. It’s a place that will serve beer to the parents while the kids run ramped?! Hmmm…..now whose going to drive us home? Kenz….?

Karlee with Chuck himself! He’s HOT!

Ok, sorry guys! I had no idea I had been tagged. I do indeed feel very honored. Thank you Vanessa! So here’s 5 Things about me you might not know or want to know. This was kinda hard for me.

1) I have a very abnormally big fat BIG Toe. It’s terrible! I should take a pic and post it. It’s bad

2) I love to eat Mashed potatoes, corn, bacon bits and ranch all mixed together. Kinda tastes like a baked potato. mmmm. Ranch on anything makes it taste good…probably works on poop but I won’t be trying that anytime.

3) I love to pop zits on people. I’m like a zitologist. Love it when they EXPLODE. ewwww…..

4) What I’ve always wanted to be when I grew up was a Fire Fighter or a Police Officer but felt that I was not good enough for the job because I’m a woman. WTF

5) I stalk one of my ex-boyfriends friends on his myspace that he dated years ago. And the sad thing is I actually think she is probably really cool. I admire her for some of the things she has done, gone through and where she is now. And some of her stuff can be interesting but I also tend to go to her website just to see if she writes about “he that shall not be mentioned”. I know it’s sad. I seems that I don’t even go to his to stalk him anymore, it’s her. She is also the reason I feel I need to get back into shape for her losing close to 40lbs.

That’s it. I have lots of really freaky things but my mother tends to read these and she would kill me. HEck she already saw me half naked in some photos that were not meant for her eyes. HA. Everyone say HI to MOM!